Fear

What am I afraid of? I used to be able to sit in my cubicle once I had finished the assigned work and write, or at least outline. Why can't I do it any more? Why have I gotten to the point where I end up prolonging all of my work preparations so that I can say I don't have any time to write?

I don't understand how I could be afraid of my own writing. How do you conquer fear of writing when writing's the thing you're supposed to love most?

Best technique I've found recently: The Ugly Notebook, from Jenna Glatzer's Outwitting Writer's Block. Take a plain notebook you won't feel obligated to protect against useless words, tawdry cliches, and food stains, and use it as your writing warm-up. Write down random thoughts that come to you during the day. Free write. For me, that means using a single word to set off a chain of concepts that, even if they don't have anything to do with my storyline, generate creative energy. I might even find one single word that sparks off an idea I would never have gotten in my normal writing attempts.

Learn to love your ugly notebook.

I was writing to a new friend I met at the RWA national conference when I came up with the following. Made me stop and think:

I wrote 2 chapters, used the first pretty much as-is, but realized yesterday that the second needs to get tossed. I'd been trying to figure out how to rework it in my head (bad habit--better to start writing, right?) and suddenly came up with another set of scenes that not only solves the problem of giving the reader enough action to stay interested but also adds to some of the intrigue I'm layering in. Important lesson learned: sometimes you have to sacrifice what you write. Sometimes it's just not the right scene or chapter, and you cheerfully toss it away (actually rename it and open a brand new file as a replacement) and go with something that will make for a much better storyline.

It's an important life lesson too, isn't it? Sometimes you just have to toss (or tuck) things away, even if you've spent painful time and effort on them, or you won't be able to move on. Hm.

It's easy to let time pass and not realize how big a loss it is until later. It's harder to identify another pathway to get the results you want, and sometimes you're so stuck on the original way to do it that you get blinded. True for writing and for life itself. I can be a little slow with new ideas--I like to think of it as percolating. What it really comes down to is that my creative muscles have atrophied. Time to do a little work, get them warmed up and stretched out. In Outwitting Writer's Block, Jenna Glatzer suggests getting an "ugly notebook" (so you won't fixate on being "careful" with it) and using it to jot down random thoughts that spill from your mind during the day. I like this idea. I think it'll work.

I had decided to stop trying to work on V's story. I was comfortable with my decision, because it felt like I was struggling too much with it and I didn't want this to hold as little fun as my day-to-day job does. But then a friend/critique partner said that she had seen promise in the storyline.

I thought it was too much like another one of my stories, but it's so early in the game now that it wouldn't be hard to wipe away the similarities. Maybe I just need to approach this from another angle, to stop seeing this story as my chance for redemption in the writing arena. If, instead of trying to force this thing, I can just go sit somewhere quiet and see what the story tells me, V's story might have a second wind waiting. How many writers or wannabe writers don't realize that a failure to listen might be their problem, not "writer's block"? Then again, I'm in a hopeful mood right now--what happens if it breaks and there's nothing to listen to?

Current Mood: hopeful

I often dislike the chapters I've written immediately after I've given them to others to be critiqued. They seem silly and overworked. Sometimes they are. Most of the time, I think, it's just that I've spent so much effort slaving putting them together that I've stared at them for too long.

The RWA conference is next week, and I've got a lot to get done before then. Business cards to readdress (since the phone number is no longer good), shopping to finish, and a newsletter article to put together. Somewhere in there, hopefully, I'll get to chapters 3 and 4. Unless I fritter the time away. I've become very good at frittering. What's the best way to get rid of frittering, when it's so easy to fall into?

Over and over, I've seen people say that the best way to improve your writing skills and speed is to write constantly. Everyone mentions journaling. I don't know why the concept is so hard for me to be interested in; there's a whole industry built around journaling, so other people are finding satisfaction in doing it.

If it increased my writing time, though, isn't it worth it? I'm pretty slow right now... it would be marvelous to be able to do a chapter per week, perhaps, maybe even finish a book in two months or so. Time to break through this particular aversion.

Current mood: contemplative

I think I've figured out how to handle chapter 2 this morning. It seemed like the pace was too slow--two queens conversing while their retainers looked on. But I think part of my problem is that the scene didn't really belong to either queen. It's Tam's scene. It needs to reflect her feelings on what's going on--the veiled prodding of the queens into each other's business, the strangeness of Queen K's guards, the animosity between her and the other ladies in Queen S's attendance. I need to get into her head, and the same goes for the next chapter and V's scenes.

Sometimes I worry that part of my problem is not having enough life experiences. I mean, I have experience, some of it not very pleasant at all, but I've lived in a fairly tight circle except for the time spent away during our post -Katrina evacuation. I wish I had more time to let myself be a sponge, to absorb some thirdhand experiences that I could take apart and use for inspiration, but working and absorbing don't seem to go together well, and I frankly need the paycheck to have the luxury of writing.

Today I will work on the chapters. By the end of this week (hopefully earlier), my critique group will have them.
Current Mood: Determined