I haven't had trouble writing lately because I haven't even dared to try to write. Too sick originally, then too stressed out, too anxious. So I've been playing computer puzzles, which the fabulous man who gives me my anti-anxiety pills says is a wonderful way to de-stress. Most recently, I've become interested in Escape puzzles in which you find yourself in a room full of hidden clues and you have to find them and figure out how they work with each other to get the key that lets you out of the room. I used to hate these, but suddenly they're very calming....

...which led me to a sudden thread that I'd like to follow in my writing. A puzzle like this would be perfect for the great scheme of my storyline. But how do I build it? Do I decide on the clues themselves and how they fit together to lead toward the prize first, or do I look at the general surroundings and work in toward the details and the best places to hide them? I'd ask the Escape puzzle creators, but so far, most of the ones I've found are by Japanese artists/programmers.

Any advice?

I'm home sick today after a weekend spent battling stomach cramps. On the bright side, I spent so much time trying to distract myself with computer games that I don't feel the urge to start one today. So I'll spend the day working on my wedding guest list, registry, and writing. Reworking Chapter 2 to fit the "new vision" and hoping that my voice comes through.

It's very easy to become intimidated by other people's successes. Each achievement you congratulate in others who're following the same dreams you have highlights your own failure to reach those same goals. The trick is to celebrate other folks' victories without bitterness toward them and to remember that we all have different life paths and different experiences. The stories I want to tell now are not stories I could've created ten years ago (my original publishing deadline) or even three years ago. So as hard as it seems, I keep muddling along and hoping I can get through the rut and the distractions and someday be just as productive and excited as all of the talented writers I've come to know.

I never thought I would reach a day when I had too much to do but not enough time to do it all. The internet has created a whole new set of tasks for me to keep up with. I have a number of podcasts that I never get around to listening to (mostly writing reference and TED talks), Facebook friends to keep up with, other blogs to follow, writing workshops and newsletters, games....it all keeps piling up. And the books....I'm not buying as many new ones, but I have so many used ones I never got around to reading! (Starting to catch up on those now; a used one for every new one I read)

Tonight I had to acknowledge that I've let inertia become too much of a friend. Perhaps I can't keep up with all of this all of the time, but there are so many times I've caught myself staring at my computer screen or playing the same game over again even though there's no satisfaction in it. Time to jump-start myself, to get back into an active mode mentally if not physically.

I have busily been adding the blogs I want to keep up with to Google Reader, which I just thought of today. For someone who enjoys the Net so much, I am woefully ignorant about some of its features. Anyhoo, this new (for me) tool means I will now actually be current with what's going on at all of these pages! Hooray!

FINALLY getting around to completing the meme that Sphinx Ink included me in. Here's the SIX RANDOM THINGS ABOUT ME meme:

The Rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they’ve been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

My six random things:
1. I have an anxiety disorder. This makes life a thrill-every-minute rollercoaster, only without the fun bits.

2. When I was a preteen I would roller disco through my grandmother's house. Got pretty good at it, too; but to be fair, a 5'5" beanpole probably doesn't need to be rollerskating through narrow labyrinthine hallways.

3. My love of small furry creatures began with a stray kitten that used to wait for me to pet him every morning before nursery school. My mom would scoop me up and rush back inside to wash my hands. While she was unlocking the car, I would, of course, pet the kitten again.

4. Small, benign acts of silliness make me very happy :)

5. My first pet was a goldfish that kept jumping out of its tank. I never figured out why. We treated the water very carefully as instructed by the pet store owner. I have been scarred for life by the experience of trying to catch a wriggly fish and put it back and have not wanted a pet fish since.

6. A few Christmases ago, my Mom and I broke into a spontaneous dance routine during a Muzak rendition of Jingle Bell Rock in the TJ Maxx department store. No one noticed.

I'll have to break the rules here, because everyone I know well enough to tag for this meme has already been tagged. But if you're reading this and feel the urge to continue the meme, let me know when you've done so!

I'm trying to be creative, I really am. But I'm also being bombarded with other people's worries about the economy and admonitions that we should be spending as little and saving as much as possible. I'm getting married during the worst financial period in recent history, listening to Oprah recordings where people are talking about how much they have to give up and their struggles to save money. The dissonance here is eating away at me, and my wedding-anxiety dreams are getting worse. I don't have any credit card debt--I pay the balance at the end of every month and often use online checking instead--but I'm reexamining every little happiness I allow myself, every book I consider buying, every edible treat, trying to see where I can cut things down without making life seem like it's not worth living and still be able to afford the big event next year.

It feels like I'm the only one in my household that's aware of this on a personal level, the only one who's carrying this anxiety. If I mention it, it gets dismissed. But I can't help feeling that the roof is about to fall in and I'm directly beneath it.

I've decided to recapture my creativity. To that end, I've started working with the 3D artwork software I bought some time ago and have not used since I got frustrated with the somewhat steep learning curve. I've also gone back to my most recent manuscript--not an easy task since, in my zeal to use the online word processor I found, I erased about 65% of the chapter I was working on. And then found that I had somehow removed that part from the original I've got on my desktop as well. Note to self: Don't get rid of ANYTHING until you're successfully working with a publisher on the finished manuscript! :(

I've also been invited to participate in a meme, which I shall do as soon as I think of some things people don't know about me. I'm a pitifully open book.